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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29821290">Obsessions</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouiseFox/pseuds/LouiseFox'>LouiseFox</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ocean's 8 (2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Rape/Non-con Elements</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:55:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,474</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29821290</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouiseFox/pseuds/LouiseFox</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lou always struggled with an emptiness in her live, one she couldn't define and couldn't fill with anything she ever found.<br/>Until Deborah Ocean.</p><p>Or: Debbie and Lou trying to get their shit together. One doesn't want to admit she likes women, one doesn't want to admit she has a drug problem. </p><p>Maybe both are just the same person in diffrent bodies.</p><p> </p><p>English is not my first language. Originally posted on Wattpad. @TheEchoingGreen.<br/>This story is bad and I'm sorry for that.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lou Miller/Debbie Ocean</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Strip Poker</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"That's not fair! Why do I have to undress, but you don't?!"</p><p>There was already too much alcohol involved. When Debbie stood up, loudly protesting about the damn game rules, she felt her head turn. This was the point where probably everyone just should go to bed, sleep, and get up in the morning without embarrassment.</p><p>"Take that damn shirt of Deborah! Don't be a pussy!"</p><p>From this moment on everything went downhill.</p><p>The brunette could feel the blonde's ice blue eyes on her breasts. Strangely she didn't mind. Twenty minutes later she felt her eyes on her legs. She bothered even less. To know how much attention she got from this certain Australian woman made her feel a way she wouldn't want to admit she felt.</p><p>If she wanted to, she could have gotten up now. She could have gone to bed and stopped it. But she didn't want to stop it, so she continued to play.</p><p>A while later it paid out.</p><p>"Who's a pussy now Lou? Take it off!"</p><p>There was some silence. She watched as the blonde played with the buttons of her shirt.</p><p>Take it off, she silently pleaded, hoping to see what she had been craving to see for years now. How was it even possible they have never seen each other undressed?</p><p>But today she wouldn't see it. Her fantasies were ruined as soon as the other woman stood up and left.</p><p>There was laughing, some dirty comments. Debbie felt like she needed to protect Lou's pride. "Oh shut up you idiots! Be nice."</p><p>She reached for her shirt, but Tammy held it with a grin. Debbie had no other choice but to leave the room in her underwear if she wanted to follow Lou before she disappeared.</p><p>*</p><p>"Lou! Goddamnit Lou! How can you even walk so fast- can't you wait a moment?"</p><p>Blue eyes pierced her own.</p><p>"What do you want? Nice underwear by the way."</p><p>"Uhm-", Debbie bite her lip and crossed her arms in front of her chest, "Where are you going? Wasn't the game your and Tammy's idea?"</p><p>Lou frowned. She nervously played with the rings on her fingers. "I-"</p><p>The brunette reached for her hands. Held them. "You are cold Lou."</p><p>"Ha! You are the one who stands here in the street with just her underwear on."</p><p>"Then let's go back inside. Or do you want more strangers to see my tits?"</p><p>The blonde shook her head. Still holding her hands, Debbie made sure she followed her inside, past the laughing and drinking bunch of women on the couches. She mentally noted herself to go back to them as soon as Lou was upstairs, take the alcohol away and send them home.</p><p>"I uhm...I'll be back in a moment.", Debbie smiled at Lou who sat with wide eyes at the edge of her bed, "Uh- you don't mind if I take one of your shirts, right?"</p><p>She opened the blonde's closet. It was like walking through the men's section in a clothing store. Slightly grinning she picked a light blue stripped shirt. It reached over her knees.</p><p>*</p><p>It took her a while to convince the drunk bunch of women to go home. Tammy protested and even mentioned something about a movie night. Debbie patted her head and called her a taxi. Normally they would just sleep here in this state, but she sensed that the blonde would like to have her home for herself.</p><p>*</p><p>"Lou? They are gone now. Would you like to-"</p><p>A soft smile spread across her face. She laid in bed, but not in her own. After realizing Lou didn't lay in her own bed her first instinct told her to look in her room. And she was right.</p><p>*</p><p>There were things Debbie and Lou wouldn't tell each other. Both always had their own things and the other one didn't ask.</p><p>The brunette knew that there wasn't much she knew about the Australian girl. Sometimes it felt like she knew more than anyone else, but Lou was still a stranger.</p><p>Debbie knew that her shoe size was a 7.5, she knew that Lou used three spoons of sugar in her coffee with enough milk to say it was rather milk with a little coffee. She knew she secretly wore men's underwear under her clothing but choose it in a pinkish colour. She knew that Lou had this small tattoo of a flower on her hip and used to have a bellybutton piercing. She knew sleeps with the windows open, even in winter, and always turns her back to the door. So many details that no one ever noticed but her.</p><p>Still the Australian was a stranger to her. They met over 15 years ago in a bar. What was before their meeting was a mystery to Debbie. She never asked, never really bothered to think about it. Both always played their chards open, there were no secrets because there was no truth. It was simply what it was.</p><p>But both were older now, have been through more shit and have seen the other person on low points. Well, at least Lou did. When Debbie got out of jail she was a mess, but her friend has always been there to pick her up.</p><p>"Lou?"</p><p>"Hmmmm?", a glimpse of blue eyes looking briefly at her own.</p><p>"You know that I love you, right?"</p><p>A grin. White teeth showing for a moment. "Right honey."</p><p>"I'm being serious Lou."</p><p>She saw the conflict in the blue eyes. She knew about Lou's troubled, sometimes complicated feelings.</p><p>It was Debbie herself who had to admit that she's just been running away from her own emotions for most of her life.</p><p>"I love you Louise Miller."</p><p>They once kissed. It was a very sweet, innocent kiss. But after it the brunette had started to feel guilty. And then there was Claude. She thought now, maybe she had known how naive she was then, maybe she just did it anyways to prove some childish point.</p><p>She put her hands on the shoulders of the slightly taller woman. "I always did."</p><p>The answer came in a soft whisper. "I love you too Deborah."</p><p>And they kissed again after so many years, this time without shame, knowing they felt the same.</p><p>Breathlessly Lou broke apart. "Debs-"</p><p>"Ssshh. I know." A hand on her hip, a hand on her back. "Let me show you how much I love you."</p><p>There was it again, this look in the blonde's eyes. She seemed to be frightened of hurt. Frightened of admitting her love and giving in to the feeling of it.</p><p>"I want you Lou....I've been wanting you for so long..."</p><p>"Then....take me. I'm yours."</p><p>There didn't need to be said more. Debbie craved to touch her, to feel her warm skin under her lips. It was something she secretly imagined before. Taking off her shirt, pushing her against the wall, grabbing her by the tie.</p><p>A moan escaped the blonde's lips as she felt lips on her neck, hands moving over her shoulders down to the buttons of her shirt.</p><p>"Debbie-"</p><p>"Ssshh", lips on hers, moving her slowly back against the couch, "Relax."</p><p>Lou nodded. After all she trusted Debbie. She was her best friend, the person she trusted the most, the woman she had loved for over 15 years.</p><p>Debbie bend down to kiss her shoulders slowly after she pushed the dark purple fabric aside. She continued to open buttons. God...there were so many and all she wanted was to throw the shirt on the floor. The only thing that held her from ripping it of her body was to know that it was Lou's favourite.</p><p>Finally she was able to take it off. Lou moved her hands up to her chin and kept her face in place. Blue eyes searched her brown ones.</p><p>"Look at me." She sounded begging and slowly let go of her chin.</p><p>"What are you afraid of Louise?"</p><p>The brunette moved her hands to her shoulders, slowly stroke over her collar bones.</p><p>There was no reply, so Debbie kissed her slowly and moved away.</p><p>What she noticed at first was how thin her friend actually had gotten. The blonde had always looked a little too thin and fragile, but the brunette knew that she still ate enough and wouldn't say no if she invited her for pizza and donuts. The way she looked now told her that she hasn't eaten in some time.</p><p>"Lou...", she slowly moved her hands to her hips and held her. She tried her best to ignore the scars that travelled over the light skin.</p><p>"Debbie.", she moved her hands up to her hair and slightly grabbed it.</p><p>She kissed her slowly. She would ignore it for now and not address it. What she wanted was to touch her and make her feel good, talking about it now would only unsettle her.</p><p>The brunette threw the piece of clothing to the floor. Soon the bra followed.</p><p>"God...You're so beautiful..." and she meant it. Slowly she got closer again and let her lips travel down her shoulders to her breasts. She got rewarded with a soft moan coming from the blonde who moved her hands further into her hair.</p><p>Their lips connected again, and Debbie pushed Lou's trousers down her slim legs. A moment later her hands found what she had looked for.</p><p>Soft moaning filled the room, slowly getting louder. The blonde closed her eyes, desperately gasping for air as the woman on top of her moved deeper.</p><p>*</p><p>"Debbie?"</p><p>They laid together on Lou's bed. Clothes were decoration the floor on the way from the couch to there.</p><p>"Hmm baby?"</p><p>"I love you too. I dreamed about this for years now."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Not a word</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Here. Dinner's ready."</p><p>Without asking the blonde she shoved a plate with pasta into her direction.</p><p>"Uh- I don't want anything. Your food is uneatable anyways."</p><p>"Tammy made it at lunch time."</p><p>"Oh well...then..."</p><p>Debbie could see the struggle in Lou's eyes. She forced herself to smile and sat down next to her at the table. "Okay Lou, I will eat something as well, okay? Look-", she showed her own plate, "-here's my portion. Let's eat together."</p><p>The blonde nodded and reached for her fork.</p><p>Debbie tried her best to not stare at her while eating.</p><p>"Tammy is a great cook.", the brunette mentioned and picked up the two empty plates and carried them to the sink.</p><p>"Better than you are definitely."</p><p>Debbie laughed at her tone and watched as Lou went to sit on the couch. She picked out her phone and started to go through messages.</p><p>"Debs?"</p><p>"Hmmm?", she wrapped her arms around her neck from behind, "What's up Lou?"</p><p>"Do we want to go to this party a friend of mine throws?", she shows her a picture.</p><p>"Oh-", It's been some time since they actually went out together like this. Sure it would be funny. "-yes! I can take it as a reason to wear this new cute Chanel dress I got."</p><p>Lou slowly smirked:" I am so looking forward to see you in it!"</p><p>*</p><p>There it was again. Debbie watched as her girlfriend - she loved thinking of her like that - changed in front of the mirror.</p><p>"You look perfect Lou.", she couldn't hold herself back anymore, she just had to say something, "Really, I think you look fucking beautiful. Now come here and help me close the zipper so we can finally go."</p><p>The blonde didn't say anything, but she left her reflexion and helped her with the dress.</p><p>*</p><p>It was already late, but the crowd filled even more as time went by. It was already close to midnight, but Debbie could tell Lou had more fun than they had in a long time. But when she saw the blonde reach for another drink she stepped in.</p><p>"Okkkayy Ms. Drunk, this is enough.", she put an arm around her shoulders and looked to the guy that played barkeeper, "No more drinks for her please. I like our apartment clean and vomit free."</p><p>"I neeeever vomit!", Lou grinned and slightly fought against Debbie who held her still in place.</p><p>"Right.", the brunette shook her head in amusement and pulled her partner with her in a darker, quieter corner of the apartment wasn't exactly right, but she didn't want say that now.</p><p>Maybe it was time to go before they would regret it.</p><p>"Hey, Lou, I will quickly get our jackets. Lou?"</p><p>The blonde slightly swayed to the music, not really paying attention to her words.</p><p>"Uh- just don't move, okay? I'll be back in a second."</p><p>Debbie shook her head after a moment of watching the Australian. It was always funny to see her drunk, even though you really had to make sure she didn't overstep her limits (that were impressively high).</p><p>When she came back a moment later with their jackets Lou was gone.</p><p>"Fuck! Lou?!" She thought about it for a moment. Even completely drunk the blonde was smart enough to not just completely leave. The first thing she thought about that maybe she went back to the bar- but when she looked over there she didn't see her. Maybe she was on the toilet...but on the way there a strange feeling overtook her.</p><p>"Have you...have you seen my girlfriend- you know she wore this blue suit, she's blonde and has-", she asked breathlessly a person they talked with a few minutes earlier.</p><p>"Did she wear a tie? Yes, she left a moment earlier-"</p><p>"Fuck!"</p><p>*</p><p>"Lou!", she slammed the apartment door behind her and walked through the next street. ^She just had this feeling, and she couldn't explain it, not really. "Louise?!"</p><p>She couldn’t think rational when she faced what she already expect to face.</p><p>"Let go of her."</p><p>There was no reply other than a laugh. She regretted now having picked up their damn jackets.</p><p>It were three man, only holding the blonde woman against the brick wall of a house. It was dark, not light enough to actually see faces. She looked back to the road. There was no one, no one she could ask for help.</p><p>As calmly as possible and hoping to seem stronger than she felt, Debbie stood straighter and looked at the tall man in front of her. "I would like to take her with me now. Let her go."</p><p>"I don't think so." Another laugher.</p><p>She screamed when she suddenly stood next to her girlfriend, pushed against the wall. The only thing Debbie could manage to think about was how incredibly stupid she was. She had been supposed to help her and get her out of this situation and not end up the same.</p><p>"Ssshh...it's fine...I'm here Lou. I'm with you.", but none of her week attempts on trying to calm a sobbing Louise managed to work. She didn't know how much longer she could hold her own walls up. Somewhere in all this mess there was a knife.</p><p>"Please don't hurt her", the brunette begged sobbing, "Please don't."</p><p>She knew they could get over this, but she couldn't manage to loose her. It was them together, but not just one alone.</p><p>*</p><p>There was sobbing. Debbie didn't know whether it was her own or the blondes, it was hard to tell. She reached a hand out and grabbed the other woman's, holding it tight in her own. It woudn't be long anymore she promised herself, then it was over, and they could go home again.</p><p>*</p><p>"One word and-", there was the knife again. Pressed against alabaster skin.</p><p>"No- I...we won't."</p><p>She felt lips on her own, strong, and so wrong. It weren't Lou's. A moment later she heard as the blonde fell to the floor next to her. The grip on her own shoulders disappeared too. It took her a moment to realize they were left alone there now. In the middle of this side street.</p><p>"Debbie?", it was a soft whisper but after a moment she recognized it.</p><p>"Lou-", her voice broke.</p><p>"I'm here.", shaking hands wrapped around her neck, "I'm here. Let'-...let's go home Debs."</p><p>But the blondes eyes travelled over what was left of the once beautiful black dress the brunette wore.</p><p>"Wait. You can...you can take my blouse..."</p><p>"Oh....I left the jackets at the party....I dropped them...", Debbie's voice wasn't much more than a whisper.</p><p>"It's fine...I-...take the blouse Debs. You can't walk home like this. I'm fine."</p><p>A moment late she was wrapped into the soft fabric that smelled like the blonde always did. It was the only comfort she could find right now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Getting better</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the morning after what happened after the party. Debbie lifted her head with a groan. Her first thought was Lou.</p><p>"Baby?"</p><p>There was no reply at first until she heard steps coming out of the bathroom.</p><p>"Debs. I'm here."</p><p>The blonde stood there leaned against the doorway. She wore a long shirt that covered her until the knees. If she didn't know better she'd say her girlfriend looked as if nothing happened. She admired her for it, because she felt as if she had to vomit in the next seconds.</p><p>"Ssshh Debs, I'm here."</p><p>Thin arms wrapped around her body. She sobbed and reached for frizzy blonde hair.</p><p>"I'm sorry! I should have protected you! I'm sorry!", she couldn't think clear anymore. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she lifted her hands to cup the blonde's face.</p><p>"I've got you Deborah. I'm holding you love. Breath, I'm here."</p><p>Ice blue eyes looked into her own. A hand stroke in a very soft way through her brown waves. She told herself it needed to be fine. She needed to be fine. If she wasn't strong for the woman holding her right now then who else was?</p><p>But before she knew it she had fallen asleep again, safe in the arms of the woman she loved the most.</p><p>*</p><p>The brunette woke up a few hours later, still lying in bed. But Lou was gone again. Everything told her to stay in bed, to not stand up. It didn't make sense to her. What did it matter now? But she had to, so she forced herself to in the bathroom, brush her teeth, do her hair, and look for something to wear.</p><p>She suddenly felt the need to shower, to scrub every memory of this from her body.</p><p>Twenty minutes later she was downstairs where she found the Australian woman sitting on the floor before the couch.</p><p>"Lou."</p><p>She lifted her head and turned slightly to look at her. Now that Debbie studied her partner more she noticed how bad she actually looked.</p><p>What should she say? She didn't know it, so she sat down on the floor next to her and moved her hands to pull her closer. Lou moved away.</p><p>"Please, I want to hold you."</p><p>The blonde shook her head. "No...please don't touch me. Not now."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>So they just stayed there together, sitting on the floor. After a while she reached for a blanket and put it on them so they wouldn't freeze while sitting there. She watched her girlfriend from time to time. She felt helpless and didn't know what to do.</p><p>"Lou?"</p><p>It took the other woman a moment to reply. "Yes?"</p><p>"What...what do we do now?"</p><p>She felt a cold hand on her cheek. Still it was comforting. She wanted nothing more but to feel her partners touch, to feel her body against her own.</p><p>"We'll get over this Debs."</p><p>"...how?", she was aware of how small her own voice sounded. She felt so humiliated and weak, but not because it happened to herself, but because she should have gotten the love of her life out of it. She should have helped her. It was what she told herself all over again.</p><p>Lou didn't reply in words, but she pulled her on her lap and held her close while she kissed her forehead.</p><p>"We have us Debs. It'll be fine."</p><p>*</p><p>The time passed and both never spoke about it again. Debbie wanted to, she craved to tell Louise how she felt and what she thought. But everything got worse from day to day. While she focussed on just continuing and forgetting, the blonde found her way back to alcohol and drugs. She tried her best to help her with it, to bring her on other thoughts, but she would do it anyways.</p><p>So Lou would sneak off at nights, drowning herself god knows where in whiskey and whatever-she-took-now and Debbie would lay in their bed lonely, crying for them and for herself and how fucked up the world was.</p><p>*</p><p>"Lou?"</p><p>The blonde didn't look up, but she stopped scrolling through Instagram.</p><p>"I think we need help."</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>She starred at her. "Why? Lou...we don't talk. You drink, I cry, and we repeat that every night. Don't you think it's important that we talk?"</p><p>"I don't want to talk.", she continued tapping on her phone.</p><p>Debbie couldn't take it anymore. A moment later the phone was crushed against the wall. "Fuck Louise! Why can't you talk to me?! Just once in your goddamn life?!"</p><p>"What do you want to hear?!", finally she looked at her. Debbie hated it. She wanted to go back to when they could actually have a conversation, stay up all night, dance and drink and just do things. Anything but this.</p><p>"I want to know what you think! I want to know what you feel!"</p><p>"I don't!"</p><p>"You never ask me! I'm hurt too! But of course you don't care! You never did!"</p><p>The brunette knew now she went a step to far. It wasn't true, she knew it and regretted her own words immediately.</p><p>"Baby- I'm sorry....I shouldn't have said that..."</p><p>But the blonde already teared up. She started to sob and heavily breath. Debbie couldn't do more than to stand with her, rub her back and tell her how sorry she was.</p><p>"I'm sorry. I know you care, I know it's too much for you. I'm sorry."</p><p>She shouldn't have said that. She knew very well how much her friend tried to be there for her and keep her own problems away until the night, when it wouldn't affect her. She knew all this. She also knew that the blonde ate during the day to show her she was fine, just to throw up later again, to sit in the bathroom downstairs and hurt herself again when she laid in bed and pretended to be asleep. They just had different ways of coping things.</p><p>"Debs-", her voice broke and she wrapped her arms around her girlfriends waist, "-I'm sorry. It's my fault. Because I'm a drunk slut. I'm sorry. You shouldn't have been in that situation Debs. I'm sorry."</p><p>"No.", she kissed her head. Blaming her never even crossed her mind, "No baby. This was terrible and believe me, I hate it as much as you do. But it wasn't your fault."</p><p>She cried now too. For the very first time since then they actually cried together.</p><p>"We're alive and we have us, like you said."</p><p>Lou lifted her head and kissed her. Debbie told herself it wasn't the right moment, but when she felt the lips of the person she loved the most on her own she knew it actually was right. It was what she needed. She needed her, she needed her to be with her in every way. Both found comfort in each other the next hours, slowly and gently. Maybe it was the start to getting better again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Tell her</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Debbie watched Lou with a wide grin. Her girlfriend stood in the middle of the kitchen, everything was covered in flour and sugar.</p><p>She laughed. "Lou, whatever you're doing there, it isn't working."</p><p>"Thanks- I wouldn't have noticed it without you pointing it out.", she pouted and started to undress.</p><p>The brunette watched the blonde with a feeling of proudness for her. She looked better than she did for a long time, being on a healthier weight and without any new self-inflected wounds.</p><p>"Uuhh, so now stripping for me?", she crossed her arms and leaned against the counter, watching as her girlfriend threw her shirt in some corner of the room, now pulling down her pants. She knew she did it to tease her. Secretly she loved it.</p><p>"Well, I'm not stripping for this old dude living next door-"</p><p>She rolled her eyes, laughing a little and went closer to her to press a soft kiss on her cheek. "Are we staying half naked or should I bring you other clothes?"</p><p>"Would you like it if I stay like this?", the blonde whispered, lifting her head a little.</p><p>Of course she would. But Debbie was also hungry - for the food Lou had tried to make, not the Australian herself - so she shook her head slightly. "I'll bring you something. Continue to create a mess, please. I'm starving."</p><p>Louise laughed in an amused tone and started to clean up the mess she made, while the brunette went upstairs to their bedroom to get new clothes for her partner. She choose a long red and black shirt, she loved it when the blonde wore things like that around the house. Plus, it gave her enough to stare at. The view was great, especially when Lou moved, making the fabric slipped up, revealing creamy white tights and ass...</p><p>But the blonde wasn't dumb. She knew it. So she took the shirt from Debbie’s hands, a knowing grin on her lips. "You just want to see my ass honey."</p><p>She couldn't deny it. After all it was true. "Well...yeah. True. I like seeing your ass."</p><p>Her girlfriend hummed and went back to cooking. Debbie watched her a moment more before she went back upstairs, cleaning up a mess she had caused in the bathroom while trying to dye her roots.</p><p>*</p><p>"Debbie."</p><p>"Hmmmmm?"</p><p>They've been laying in bed for some time now. Debbie really wanted to sleep, but whenever she closed her eyes, ready to drift off her girlfriend started talking again.</p><p>"I'm bored."</p><p>The brunette sighed. "There's no need to be. You should sleep."</p><p>"I can't."</p><p>Another sigh, then she opened her eyes and looked at the woman sitting with crossed legs next to her. The light was still turned on, on Lou's side of the bed, casting light and shadows over the blonde's face. She seemed incredibly tired.</p><p>"Why not?", she softly asked, moving a hand to cup her face. "Are you okay?"</p><p>She shook her head, blonde curls falling around her face.</p><p>"Do you want to talk?"</p><p>Normally Lou didn't. It was sometimes hard for Debbie, because also when she wanted to talk about something the blonde pushed her away and hide herself behind the walls she had built up over the years. Still she asked because it seemed right, it was important for her that they gave each other the chance to talk, instead of crying, drinking, and taking drugs alone to forget their lives.</p><p>"I...I don't know."</p><p>She watched as Lou crossed her arms. She was shivering.</p><p>"Come here Lou. You're cold." Without waiting for a reply she pulled her closer, kept her in her arms where she knew her girlfriend was safe. But Lou didn't feel cold, instead her body seemed to burn. Debbie put a hand on her forehead. "Are you having a fever?"</p><p>Another thing about Louise Miller. She didn't get sick. Well, she did, but she ignored it, usually. Last time she had a cold and fever Tammy and Debbie practically had to chain her to the bed, so she rested.</p><p>"I think you should drink something baby. I will bring you water, okay?"</p><p>Five minutes later she was back, bringing Lou some water and plain toast in a small bowl, just in case she started to feel sick and wanted to eat something. "Okay here. I think you should go to the doctor in the morning."</p><p>"Oh no", the blonde groaned. Debbie smiled. Lou hated doctors with all her heart.</p><p>"Oh yes. I want you to be well soon, I mean, someone has to cook for us."</p><p>Lou hit her arm with the back of her hand, then sank into the pillow. "I'm still bored Debs."</p><p>"God.", she shook her head, "Lou, you should sleep."</p><p>"I don't want to."</p><p>"...do you want me to read something for you?"</p><p>Debbie hated it. Lou loved it. She felt like a mother reading to her child while doing that, but her blonde girlfriend seemed to enjoy exactly that. She knew she got her with it, Lou immediately nodded wildly, pulling the bedsheet until her chin.</p><p>Sighing she got up, took a book of their very small bookshelf - there were maybe five books, they actually didn't care much for reading, but there was a time both of them have been obsessed with cliché teenager books - and sat down in bed again. "Okay Lou. So...", she started reading. It took only a few minutes then both of them fell asleep, the book still laying on Debbie's chest.</p><p>*</p><p>As Debbie thought her girlfriend had gotten a fever. Against the blondes protest she had made her lay down and rest, even moved the tv from downstairs to their bedroom so Lou could continue to watch Disney movies. For someone trying to look so hard and cool she had a great preference for everything that was cute and animated.</p><p>But she didn't care, just as long as she stayed in bed until she felt better.</p><p>*</p><p>A few days later Tammy came over. Since what happened after the party both of them had stayed most of the time for themselves, not really feeling like having anyone over.</p><p>But both of them missed the girls, especially Tammy who usually stayed very often with them. They were like the holy trinity of the group. It couldn't be that they weren't together.</p><p>"Really, Debs, does it take so much to clean up once?"</p><p>The brunette rolled her eyes. Tam was like the mother of them, making sure they cleaned up and ate something else than pizza.</p><p>"I cleaned up. Yesterday or, the day before that or..."</p><p>"Or maybe a week ago. It's a mess."</p><p>She grinned. It was nice to see that everything between them was the same. But of course it was. Her life changed, Lou's life changed, not the other ones. Sometimes it was hard to remember that the others didn't know and it was just them to act 'strange'.</p><p>Lou came to them downstairs a few minutes after they had settled down on the couch. Wine glasses already stood on the table before them and a bowl with chips was placed between them.</p><p>"Hey Tam.“, she smiled brightly and sat down on the floor before them.</p><p>They talked for some time about random things that came to their mind, both Louise and Deborah felling like everything was normal for the first time in many weeks. They still were everything but alright, having their difficulties in many ways, but if was okay for now.</p><p>"So...should we stay at home all evening?"</p><p>Debbie exchanged looks with her blonde girlfriend.</p><p>"What?", Tammy asked, "Since when do you two stay at home all night?"</p><p>Lou cleared her throat and looked away, silently reaching for her wine glass, drowning the rest of it in a few seconds. Debbie never talked with her about what they should do if they came to that subject if they needed to explain themselves.</p><p>But the brunette looked at her with this look on her face and she knew she wanted to say it. It felt like sharing a big secret, just that it wasn't nice. Not at all and she hated the thought of telling their best friend. Still she nodded because Debbie needed to talk in situations when she didn't. "Tell her."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Fucked up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Tell her"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tammy looked back and forth between the two women. "Fuck. Lou...Debs...why...why didn't you tell me?"</p>
<p>The Australian continued to look away. She couldn't stand it and listening to Debbie talking about it in this distanced voice, as if it weren't what happened to them, what happened only a few weeks ago. She had to get up and leave.</p>
<p>Debbie watched as Lou stood up and left the apartment, slamming the door after her. She knew better than to follow her now. Instead she filled her wine glass again and looked at Tammy who still waited for an answer. "We never thought about telling anyone. Actually we never really talked about it."</p>
<p>The brunette felt better now that she had told her. It was like a secret lifted. But she also knew that Lou struggled with the thought of someone knowing this, it made her feel like she got broken open for the world to see. They've been together as a couple for a while and even longer as best friends, still she knew what felt like nothing about her past. It wasn't that she didn't ask, but Louise just wouldn't tell her. Instead she said it didn't matter, it was past. It wasn't important for now.</p>
<p>While Debbie told her everything, made sure she was an open book for her girlfriend.</p>
<p>"Do you want to?"</p>
<p>"What, talk?"</p>
<p>"Yes.", Tammy shifted and watched her friend for a moment. "Not talking at all seems unhealthy too."</p>
<p>"Yeah well, it's better than drinking and taking drugs."</p>
<p>She couldn't really tell what Tammy was thinking, but she seemed deeply concerned. "...I knew you liked drinking, both of you, but uhm..."</p>
<p>"It was really bad for some time, I know that. Lou would sneak off at night, drink and hurt herself. While all I could do was crying. It's...it's better now. I think we're managing it."</p>
<p>Tammy reached for her hand. "I'm sorry Debs."</p>
<p>"Don't. I'm already pitying myself enough. I don't need you to do it." Debbie didn't think Tammy should feel sorry for them. It was bad, but it happened and if they stayed on feeling sorry for themselves, crying and sitting at home it wouldn't get better.</p>
<p>"I'm here if you need something, you know?"</p>
<p>"I know", she rested her head on Tammy's shoulder for a short moment, "I know Tam. I uhm, I will go look for Lou now."</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Lou stood in the middle of the floor, leaning against the wall. Debbie felt bad now for telling Tammy without really making sure her girlfriend was alright with it, but she was their best friend and how long should they keep it for themselves anyways?</p>
<p>"Baby? Are you okay?"</p>
<p>"What do you think?" Ice blue eyes looking at her own. She saw the tears in them.</p>
<p>"Lou...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know you hate talking about it, I know you do. But it was right to tell her. She only wants to be there for us."</p>
<p>Debbie felt like something was wrong. As if there was more about it than just the fact that she told Tammy. It felt like she knew more than she did.</p>
<p>"Please come back inside. I promise you we won't talk about it again, not if you don't want to. Just come back inside."</p>
<p>Finally the blonde gave in, silently she walked past her inside the apartment. Without saying another word to Tammy she went upstairs. Debbie didn't comment it, instead she just let her. It was still better than standing in the hallway.</p>
<p>"I don't know what to do Tammy.", the brunette sat down next to the blonde again, sighing. She honestly didn't know how to act sometimes. "I really try to be strong for her. She always acts so tough, but I see how fragile she is. I wish she would talk to me, but she never does."</p>
<p>"...have you two thought about getting help?"</p>
<p>She huffed. "Good joke. Whiskey and coke is her therapy. Crying alone is mine."</p>
<p>Tammy shook her head. "I don't think it works like that."</p>
<p>"No, of course not. But she doesn't even tell me how she feels. She hides behind this mask and it drives me crazy. I can't forget what happened, I really can't. I want to talk, but I want to talk with her, because she knows exactly what I'm feeling. But I can't because she insist she got over it."</p>
<p>"Maybe you should tell her that. Tell her how you feel. "</p>
<p>"I tried. I really did. I'm sick of this. How can she act as if nothing happened?"</p>
<p>Tammy looked away. There it was again, this look on her face. "...what? What do you know Tam what I don't? Did she talk to you about it?"</p>
<p>"No. But...no, she did not. But I think it's important that you ask her."</p>
<p>Debbie sighed. "I miss her. I miss us, being the way we were."</p>
<p>Tammy looked at her again, slowly reaching for her hand. She kept it softly. The brunette remembered how much she had missed being touched like this. No matter how hard Lou tried to act as if everything were normal she just wouldn't touch her. Not this way.</p>
<p>"You still are the same."</p>
<p>"I only want her to be fine", she couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Sobbing she hugged Tammy. "I should have protected her. I should have done more. And now she's so sad."</p>
<p>"Ssshhh Debs.", she kissed her head, "It's fine. I know she's not mad at you, I know that. She loves you. She had loved you for so long...besides, it wasn't your fault."</p>
<p>"She was so down, and I should have protected her from everything that could hurt her!"</p>
<p>"Calm down Debs. Calm down, it's alright. I promise it, it will be fine."</p>
<p>Debbie couldn't believe it. How should it be good again? But if Tammy promised it, it must be true. "I don't know how to talk to her! I just want to know how she feels...my god...we're so fucked up..."</p>
<p>"Ssshh calm down. It's okay."</p>
<p>Tammy kept on holding her gently, swaying her in her arms. What they didn't know was that Lou sat on the stairs, silently listening to them talking.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>"Hey." Debbie entered their bedroom. The blonde laid on bed, her face buried in the pillow. She closed the door behind herself and sat down next to her on bed. "Tammy went home a few minutes ago."</p>
<p>"Mhm."</p>
<p>"...do you want something? We could watch a movie, or make dinner, or..."</p>
<p>"Do you hate me Deborah?", the blonde finally lifted her head and sat up.</p>
<p>"What?", how could she ask that? Of course she did not. She loved her more than anything else. More than life itself.</p>
<p>"Do you hate me?", she asked again. Her voice didn't show off what she felt.</p>
<p>"No Lou! My god, no. No, I could never.", she quickly shook her head and hugged her, pulled her close. "How can you even ask me that? I love you so much."</p>
<p>"But I am fault for this- and...I ...I am only trouble for you! Because of me...I...I'm so sorry!"</p>
<p>"No Lou. No.", she kissed her forehead gently, rubbed her back. "Relax. It'll be alright. We're in this together, you and me. I am here for you always and I know you didn't want this to happen. But it did and all we can do now is trying to get better. And we will as long as we are together. I swear it."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Past</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tammy was there for them as much as possible. Debbie was more than thankful for it. It got harder again, and Lou locked herself up behind her walls again, more than she did for some time. She started to feel so lonely again and couldn't stand being at home all day with someone who didn't want to talk or do anything else than lying in bed.</p><p>Her best friend was her only light in the last days, visiting her even if it was just for some minutes to make sure they didn't hang themselves or something.</p><p>"Where's Lou?", Tammy asked at some point while checking the noodle water.</p><p>"In bed."</p><p>The blonde frowned. "...again?" It's been the sixth time she came to visit and every single time she had seen nothing of the Australian, instead Debbie just told her she laid in bed.</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"Oh..."</p><p>"Tammy."</p><p>She looked at her. Debbie reached for her shoulders.</p><p>"What do you know that I don't? I know there's something between you two. Something you just don't tell me. Please, I can't stand this anymore."</p><p>Tammy sighed. It was an endless situation, she felt cornered. She understood Debbie's concern for her girlfriend and understood she wanted to know what she did not. But years ago she had promised Louise something and she couldn't break her promise. It didn't feel right. But also she knew what was on stake.</p><p>"Tam.", the brunette put a hand on her arm and looked into her eyes. "Please. I won't tell her, I...I just want to know. And I feel you know something, I already did when I told you what happened. And I know she wouldn't have told you, so it must be something else?"</p><p>"Maybe...maybe we should sit down."</p><p>And they did. Deborah turned off the water, the food already in the back of her mind. She only wanted to know what the blonde(s) didn't tell her. It seemed important to know.</p><p>"I always feel like there are things she doesn't tell me. And I ask her often, but she keeps quiet. She's like a big mystery sometimes."</p><p>Tammy looked away. "This feels wrong. Telling you without asking her. I promised her...but also, I think you should know. Yes, there are things she doesn't tell you. But she told me while you...while you were at jail. I mean...she's a 'recovering' alcoholic and struggled a lot-"</p><p>Recovering could obviously be seen in different lights. Debbie knew about that. Of course she did, that part of her girlfriend was something probably all of them knew. Maybe they didn't admit it, because around them she always managed to control herself, yet behind closed doors...she was a mess with that.</p><p>"-she needed lots of help. And you uhm..." she stopped talking.</p><p>Debbie nodded. There it was again, this feeling of having failed Lou. If she hadn't been so stupid...in a lot of ways. "Yeah. I wasn't there."</p><p>"...I really tried to pick her up. She was so lost without you. I don't know if she ever told you, but I had to put her in a mental hospital where she was for some time."</p><p>The world seemed to spin around her. She didn't know that. Her girlfriend never even slightly mentioned it. According to her the time while she was in jail was boring and what she called normal, she told her nothing special happened and she spend her life like always. Now Debbie started to question what always was.</p><p>"...was that because of me? Because I wasn't there for her? I know she drinks, and I know she hurts herself. But I have seen the scars, and they have to be older than a few years. She did that before I left."</p><p>The blonde bit her lips. It just wasn't right to talk about this. "No. Not all of that is because of you. I will not lie to you Debs, she was really hurt that you left her for a man."</p><p>Her tone got a little theatrical at the last part. It made her smile after all. Lou was so gay, and well...so was she herself. She felt stupid now that she had pushed her away so long, pretending to not notice how she felt around her, how quickly she would get aroused just by a touch of the Australians hands.</p><p>"...you don't know about her past, do you Debs?" It was more a statement than a question, still the brunette shook her head.</p><p>"No. I don't know anything but that she came here alone when she was really young."</p><p>Tammy sighed once again. "Listen Debbie, I don't know if this is right. This is her story, please try to ask her. I don't think I should tell you, not without her knowing."</p><p>*</p><p>Debbie didn't ask Tammy to tell her more. She understood it was wrong and her friend had already told her more than she should. Now it was time to ask Lou, she just had to. Part of her just wanted to know why she was the way she was sometimes, while on the other side it just seemed right to her to know. They've known each other so long now, they were so close...she couldn't imagine her life with someone else and so it seemed even more important to know everything about the person she wanted to be with forever.</p><p>The tall blonde sat on the couch as she came downstairs, tapping something on her phone. It made Debbie smile softly. She hated what she planned now, confronting Lou just like that while she seemed to be relaxed.</p><p>"Louise."</p><p>"Hm?", she raised her head, slightly turning to watch as the brunette made her way towards her, sitting down on the floor before her. "Is this when you propose to me? Because I have to say, you could do better than that."</p><p>She laughed softly. "No. I will not propose to you here in our living room."</p><p>"Oh? But you will propose?"</p><p>"Could we please talk about this later?"</p><p>"Sure.", Lou closed her phone and laid it down next to her so she could focus on her girlfriend who obviously wanted something from her. "What do you want to talk about honey?"</p><p>Debbie took a deep breath. She had spent a long time thinking about how to start this conversation and now that she had to her mind seemed empty. "Lou, I...I love you more than anything else, you know that, right? I would do everything I can to prevent you from hurting. I only want you to be fine."</p><p>A blonde raised eyebrow. Blue eyes narrowing. "Uh...sure this is no proposal?"</p><p>"...Tammy was here, you know. And we uhm- we talked a lot. About you and...there are things I have to ask you. I know you don't like that Lou, I really do. But I can't stop to think about it...so...could we please talk?"</p><p>There was some silence. Finally, she nodded. Slowly and hesitating, but she did. "...do we have enough time so I can make us drinks? I can't stand a conversation like this sobber."</p><p>Debbie knew her girlfriend should probably stay away from any kind of drugs forever. But now it seemed necessary, so she accepted it and didn't try to stop her.</p><p>Five minutes later they sat together again, sipping on their drinks.</p><p>"Ask me Debs. I promise to answer everything you think about. I...I don't want you to worry about something or so...", she actually didn't want to talk. Not at all, but if she had to, to make sure Debbie would stop spending her time to worry about her and make up scenarios she would tell her all she wanted to know.</p><p>"I really don't know where to start asking Lou." The brunette felt stupid now. They sat here, ready to talk and she, even though she had so many questions, didn't know what to ask first. "Baby...why...why did you never tell me what you went through when I was in jail? The breakdowns, the psychiatry...I...I forced Tammy to tell me. Please don't be mad at her, I just wanted to find out what she knows that I don't. I don't understand...why did you tell her and not me? I mean, I know I wasn't there, and I am really sorry for that...but later. Why didn't you trust me?"</p><p>Lou took a deep breath. "I trust you Debs. That's not it. But I didn't want you to feel guilty. And...it's fine, so why talking about it?"</p><p>Debbie couldn't help but to sarcastically huff. "Show me your wrists?"</p><p>"...it's nearly fine."</p><p>She knew her blonde girlfriend wouldn't take that sarcastic comment serious, but both knew it wasn't fine. Not nearly. For neither of them.</p><p>"Lou...what happened in your past? Why did you come to America all alone? I know this can't just be me going away. You've been already bad enough before...that." She didn't know how to call what happened after the party other than that.</p><p>She had tried to avoid this for as long as possible. Debbie never insisted on knowing anything more than necessary. Now she knew she couldn't run away any longer, it was just time to talk about it. Still she felt as if she had to throw up soon. She had told Tammy, but just because she had been drunk, high and on the edge of jumping out of the window. Besides her no one knew about it.</p><p>She tried to keep calm and took deep, steady breaths. "Are you sure you want me to tell you? I...I haven't told anyone but Tammy before. I just...I don't like talking and you know that. But I love you and if you want to know then..." Tears formed in her eyes and she really wanted to hold them back, but she couldn't.</p><p>This time she let Debbie wrap her arms around her and buried her face in her neck. "If you are ready to tell me Lou, I will listen. But if you're not I will wait. I see this is hurting you and I won't force you to anything."</p><p>"Can we...can we get more drinks and some chocolate?"</p><p>The brunette laughed a little nodded. "Of course. We could sit down upstairs, our bed is more comfortable than the couch?"</p><p>The Australian nodded. "Sounds like a plan."</p><p>*</p><p>It took them a long time to start talking about it again. Debbie didn't care, she wanted her girlfriend to feel okay with this, no matter how long it took. So they sat there together, talking about silly things, and drinking wine. It was nice but knowing what they still had to discuss made the air feel heavy between them.</p><p>"...Debbie? I think I'm ready to tell you."</p><p>She nodded and gently placed a hand on her shoulders. "Alright honey."</p><p>"You know that I came here when I was young. And you know that I did that alone. I...I come from a very religious family. I couldn't stand it anymore so...I left."</p><p>Debbie knew that wasn't it. It couldn't be, so she just stayed quiet, slowly drawing circles on her girlfriends shoulders. Hoping it would help her relax a little.</p><p>"It really wasn't nice Deborah. I had many siblings, but as the oldest girl I...I had to do everything. I wasn't allowed to go out, have friends. They didn't allow me to go to school longer than needed. When I misbehaved...they locked me in my room for days. When I looked at boys they didn't allow me to have food. When I talked to them they would...my father would beat me."</p><p>The brunette took a deep breath. She couldn't stop to imagine a young Lou in fear, being beaten by her own father.</p><p>"It wasn't just like a slap you would give your child for stealing. He would use this black belt he kept in his closet for that...but no punishment, nothing ever before has been as bad as when they found out...that I was gay."</p><p>Debbie didn't want to hear more. The look in her girlfriends eyes, this frightened look told her all she needed to know. She didn't want to know the rest of the story but still she had to listen, because she herself had wanted to hear it.</p><p>"...they often let me go through humiliating things. But they...they found this flyer about a gay club under my bed. They made me undress in front of our community. I was forced to...do things. Tell them what I imagined, what I thought about. I hated it, I hated feeling the way I felt. I wanted to be normal I..." She broke down in tears and wrapped her arms around the person she loved the most.</p><p>Gently Debbie kissed her head. "Sshhh love. It's fine, you don't have to ever feel like something is wrong with you. This is just love, nothing more. Love is never wrong."</p><p>"There was this guy in our community", she continued, her face pressed against the brunettes chest. "He wanted to cure me of it. And I know it was illegal...but I had to marry him. I had to marry this old man...and I..."</p><p>"Ssshhh don't Lou. You don't have to tell me more, it's okay. I won't make you, I swear it. It's fine." But now she understood many things better. Why Louise hated church, why she sometimes would act strange if she kissed her or showed her any sign of love. The scars on her back, the ones that she hadn't done herself. The way she looked like when they played strip poker weeks ago and had to undress. It was all understandable to her now.</p><p>"...Debs", Lou sobbed, hugging her tighter.</p><p>"I'm here. I will hold you.", she kissed her blonde, frizzy hair again. Softly, showing her just as much she loved her.</p><p>"...they wanted me to have his children Debs. I didn't want that. I wanted to leave. But every time I planned it, I wanted to run away he would lock me up. I couldn't go. I just couldn't."</p><p>Debbie cupped her face and watched her carefully. Gently she kissed her forehead. "Ssshhh Louise. Try to calm down, please. I'm here baby. I'm here."</p><p>The Australian reached for her wine glass. Drowned it in a second. Debbie swallowed. "Louise? How...how did you get away?"</p><p>The blonde put the glass down and looked at her. "I let him make me pregnant. I did everything to make sure I ended up in hospital, instead of having to have it at home. Normally in my community they would just let you die, doctors weren't allowed. But this fool really fell in love with me. I ran as soon as I had the chance to, I barely had saved enough money but in the end I could take the first flight and leave. I ended up somewhere in Europe. There I took every job I could find to save money for my way to here, to survive."</p><p>"Lou...what about the child?"</p><p>She shrugged. The coldness clearly in her voice when she spoke again" I left it there. I didn't bound with it, I didn't care in any way what happened to it. It was just my ticket out of there."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Birthday party</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lou's story haunted her in her dreams. Debbie tried to see it just as what it was, a story, but she couldn't, because those where the things that actually happened to her girlfriend when she was young.</p><p>The blonde seemed to handle having told her better than expected, she cried for our straight after telling her but after she fell asleep and woke up again nothing showed off anymore what she felt. She wasn't well, Debbie knew that because besides the probably freshly open wounds of her past Lou suffered as much as she did under what happened to them. But it was okay for now, or at least so it seemed.</p><p>"I love you more than anything else Lou, you know?"</p><p>Her beautiful blue eyes sparkled at this and she smiled a wide, not faked smile. The brunette knew that. She could tell clearly when her girlfriend didn't show her something or when she didn't mean what she expressed to feel.</p><p>"I know that Debs. I love you too. Really much."</p><p>They kissed shortly before Lou got up from where they sat together at the window, heading towards the kitchen where the water for their pasta should already be boiling. It probably wasn't smart to just leave it there, she suddenly thought.</p><p>*</p><p>Debbie's birthday came sooner than the brunette realized. But what she didn't know was that behind her back Lou had organized something, because the Australian knew her girlfriend secretly wished for a surprise party.</p><p>So Lou had sent her girlfriend away, told her to get them some groceries. Debbie protested shortly, it still was her birthday, but Louise told her if she didn't buy the stuff they wouldn't be able to have dinner. So she gave him, it would only take half an hour anyways.</p><p>*</p><p>Lou grinned widely at Tammy who watched together with her over the now decorated room. All of them were together now, waiting for Debbie to be back. She had felt a little anxious about having everyone over, still not feeling like to see someone. But it was her girlfriends birthday, and the brunette loved the girls and having such parties.</p><p>Besides, it was a great opportunity to have this wonderful chocolate cake Tammy made.</p><p>"Do you think she will like this?", she asked, crossing her arms.</p><p>The slightly younger blonde smirked. "Oh I'm sure. She's like a little girl with things like that. She will be thrilled."</p><p>And she was. When the door opened, and Debbie came in she immediately became the picture of pure joy.</p><p>Just seeing this face made everything worth for Lou and she hugged the woman she loved the most and kissed her for a moment deeply, ignoring the slightly disgusted noise Constance made.</p><p>"Oh shut up and let me kiss my girlfriend."</p><p>"Can't you wait with doing these things until later when we're gone?"</p><p>Laughing filled the room and Debbie handed Louise the bags with groceries she had bought, heading towards the table with champagne and cake.</p><p>The blonde opened the fridge and put the things her girlfriend had bought in, quickly sorting everything. When she was done she stayed standing there, just watching the brunette from afar from some time. She loved how genuinely thrilled Debbie was, it just made her feel like organize this was the best decision in a long time.</p><p>The brunette quickly cut the cake and poured alcohol, Lou helping her to make sure everyone got something.</p><p>In the end it became a lovely evening, the blonde Australian starting to feel more comfortable with having everyone over again as well. In fact she maybe enjoyed it a little too much, because in the end she found herself drunk, being dragged by Debbie, who seemed to be the only one together with Constance to have some sort of self-control, to bed where the brunette tugged her in.</p><p>"Sleep now. You're so drunk and we don't even have midnight yet.", Debbie patted her head and kissed her forehead, but she didn't think about sleeping.</p><p>"I'm not soooo drunk! I'm- okay. I'm drunk. Right? I'm confused?", the blonde frowned before grinning, sitting up again, "Did you have fun?"</p><p>"Of course baby. You've done a great job organizing this for me.", the slightly older one of them reached for a pillow and put it behind her back, "Still you're drunk. Like the rest of the girls. I can't believe I always have to mother everyone." She was just slightly being sarcastic, actually she didn't mind. "I will make sure they are still living downstairs and then join you?"</p><p>Lou seemed satisfied with her suggestion. So Debbie quickly went downstairs, only to find out most of the others were sleeping all over the place. For a moment she wondered what was wrong with the lot of them, did no one here have some sort of stable life? Most of them were over thirty - or at least definitely over twenty-one - and now laid passed out drunk together on the floor.</p><p>"Okay baby, I'm back-", she called when she entered their bedroom again, only to find her girlfriend sleeping with her mouth open. Grinning a little she closed the door behind her, changed into one of the blonde's shirt and laid down in bed. "I love you. Thank you for this wonderful party", she kissed her on the cheek before hugging her from behind and closing her eyes.</p><p>*</p><p>The first thing Debbie noticed when she woke up was, that the bed felt heavier than usually. A little confused she sat up, only to find Tammy sitting to her left, having for breakfast what seemed like the leftovers from their dinner. On her right Lou still slept, snugged into her pillow.</p><p>"Have I missed something or since when do we share a bed?", she asked quietly when she sat up, turning towards the eating blonde.</p><p>"Since I decided it's more comfortable than the couch."</p><p>"Yeah, true", she rubbed her eyes. "Uh- you do know that we have other rooms here, right?"</p><p>"I rather cuddle with you and Lou than with Daphne and Rose. They are laying in Lou's bed."</p><p>"Uhm...what?" Did she miss something?</p><p>Tammy grinned a little. "They are laying there together. I didn't want to disturb anything."</p><p>"So you're disturbing me and Lou?"</p><p>"Who's disturbing what?", they looked up to the now awake Australian’s hoarse voice. "Please don't tell me we didn't have a drunk threesome?"</p><p>"Shut up and get back to sleep, you're so hungover!", Debbie gently hit her on the arm, yet she couldn't help to grin, "But no. Tammy decided to annoy us rather than to annoy Daphne and Rose sleeping in your bed."</p><p>The confusion on the blondes face was clear:" Did I miss much yesterday? What- are they...?"</p><p>"Gay? Absolutely.", Tammy commented dryly, now reaching for the chocolate Debbie kept in her nightstand.</p><p>"Would you please not eat everything in reach, thank you very much.", the brunette shook her head and sighed while standing up and looking for pants, "This is too much for the morning. I will go make breakfast. Lou, coffee?"</p><p>"Mhm!"</p><p>Debbie briefly turned around and watched the two blondes sharing chocolate now. "You are like children sometimes."</p><p>Downstairs she found Rose and Daphne weirdly starring at each other while eating cold pizza, while Constance, Nine and Amita watched tv. "Morning kids!", she shouted, walking towards the kitchen. "Who the hell put potatoes in the toaster?" Incredible. She felt like actually watching a bunch of children.</p><p>"That was me!", Daphne raised her hand, grinning a little, "Amita and I saw this tutorial on Instagram-"</p><p>"A tutorial on how to ruin our toaster or what?", Debbie muttered as she tried to get the potato slices out again. Maybe she should just throw the whole damn thing on the trash. After some time she decided to leave it and make coffee.</p><p>With two cups she walked upstairs again where Lou still sat in bed, while she heard the shower telling her that Tammy was there. "Is it just me or does all this shout major school camp vibes?"</p><p>"...possible?", the blonde took the cup in her hands. She couldn't tell actually, she has never been on one. But she got what her partner meant. "But you're doing a great job at playing teacher Debs", she added with a grin, patting her knee teasingly. "Yesterday was fun."</p><p>"Total. Especially when you started to abuse chairs for a strip dance insert."</p><p>"Uhm...I did that?"</p><p>"Yes", the brunette grinned and kissed her cheek, "Please never think o becoming a stripper. It was anything but sexy. You fell to the floor and for a moment I was scared you broke something."</p><p>Lou blushed at this and looked away. "Oops."</p><p>Debbie laughed, but deep inside she thought that maybe it was time to start keeping the blonde away from alcohol. Of course, yesterday was fun, even the little 'dance' moves with the chair, but she didn't want it to get worse again. She decided to talk about that later again with her when they were alone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Invitation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took Debbie several days to find the courage to talk to Lou about her drinking problem. It was just hard to, because she didn't want her girlfriend to get angry, or think she judges her, because she does not. She understand her and she sees that she uses it as a way to forget many things. But that doesn't make it healthy, not at all.</p><p>She thought long about how she should even bring it up. In the end she did what she always did when confronting her partner with things she didn't like; she just blurred it out and hoped the blonde wouldn't react too emotional.</p><p>"Lou, I think you need help."</p><p>The confusion was clear on the Australian’s face. Soon it went away, made space for something darker in her eyes. She was frightened and clearly what Debbie thought seemed like frustrated.</p><p>"But...no Debs. I'm fine. I don't."</p><p>The empty bottles next to their sink said something else and both knew it.</p><p>"I know you tried hard baby. I know. But you can't go on like this. Drinking all day every day just to feel better." She saw that her girlfriend fought, it just wasn't enough, and she couldn't stand the thought of losing her to her drugs and alcohol.</p><p>"I just...I just-", there were tears in blue eyes. Lou just seemed so small in this moment, as if she couldn't believe that she herself needed help and that she wasn't able to make this on her own. As if she feared admitting that she wasn't okay.</p><p>Debbie gently hugged her. "It's alright. We will get you help and sooner than you think everything will be better."</p><p>Lou started to uncontrollably sob in her arms, unable to stop herself. The brunette couldn't help but to feel sorry for even bringing this up, still she knew this had to be done. Sooner or later her girlfriend wouldn't be able to stop herself anymore and she needed to get help before that happened.</p><p>"How...how...how do you manage all this?", the Australian needed several attempts until she managed a whole sentence under her tears and gasping for air, "How can you seem so calm? I hate this...I hate my life...I don't want anymore!"</p><p>"Oh Lou", she gently rubbed her shoulders, "You can't hate your life. We're rich lesbian bitches." At least the blonde laughed a little at this. "I am calm because of you baby. You need me so I'm here. I hate it as much as you do."</p><p>"But why am I so fucked up then? Why can't I make myself a tea like you do, watch a movie, and just say 'what happened, happened'?"</p><p>"Because you and I are not the same person Lou.", Debbie cupped her face carefully and slowly, just in case her partner started to panic again and pushed her away if she touched her too quickly, "I sometimes can't stand it too and you know that. I have my bad moments too. But my ways of getting over this are healthy, yours are not. Believe me, I'm so fucking sorry to have to say that to you, but you're sick. And you know it."</p><p>"...I...I don't want to be locked in a hospital again..."</p><p>The slightly older one quickly shook her head:" That won't happen Lou. For the moment we will search you a therapist. I promise. And then we'll see if that's enough to help you."</p><p>"And what about you?"</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"Won't you see a therapist?", Lou rested her head much to her surprise on her chest and closed her eyes, not even fighting all this. She had expected her to go crazy over it.</p><p>"I don't think so. I am fine."</p><p>She felt the blonde frown against her. "You're not."</p><p>"Maybe not. But I don't need to talk to someone. I am okay, I will get over this. You are the one who needs help." She didn't want to make it sound like she thought Lou was crazy. Still it did and she was sorry for it, but it was the truth. "I am so sorry Lou. But I don't want to see you drunk all the time, or how you would starve yourself for days until I could force you to eat at least a slice of toast, or how you would lock yourself in the bathroom with your razor. That's not normal."</p><p>Lou still kept calm. Her tears had calmed down and she grabbed Debbie's shirt hardly in her hands. "Don't you think I don't know that?"</p><p>"I'm sure you do. But I also know you can't stop on your own, you can't stop no matter how hard you try. How long did you manage to eat at least once a day? For three weeks? How long did you manage to not hurt yourself in any way?"</p><p>"...I-I don't know another way to make this go away."</p><p>"I know sweetheart", she kissed her head. "And that's why you need to talk to someone."</p><p>Her girlfriend just nodded, and Debbie was beyond thankful they didn't have to fight on it. She would start to look for someone this afternoon and as soon as possible find her help.</p><p>*</p><p>Lou started going to therapy three weeks later. Debbie realized how lucky they got with that, it could take months until you got an appointment.</p><p>She was proud about how well the blonde did, she really went there and seemed to feel a little better. After just a few meetings. It was like a little of the weight was lifted off her shoulders. But the brunette couldn't know that for sure, because of course she had no idea what went on in her partners head.</p><p>All she could do for now was wait and give her time, what happened in Lou's past had been horrible and she couldn't imagine that she never had felt the need to talk about it. Maybe she would really get better after some time in therapy.</p><p>*</p><p>"Louise?"</p><p>"Jep?", the blonde laid on the floor, painting some mandalas. Debbie was thankful she found some sort of way to keep herself busy, even if it was something like that.</p><p>"...Daphne invited us for some sort of a party. I will tell her you won't go, but I want to?" She didn't expect Lou to go. She still stayed in the apartment no matter what unless she went to her therapist. And she knew she especially wouldn't want to go to a party. For many reasons.</p><p>Lou bit her lips and looked up at her. "...do you want me to come with you?"</p><p>"You don't need to. Little steps, remember? I am proud of you for every small thing, you don't need to go to stupid parties to prove a point.", she shook her head and sat down on the floor next to her. "I can go alone, really."</p><p>"No...no. I-I will go with you. She's our friend and I don't want anyone to wonder why it's always just you to attend these things."</p><p>Debbie watched her for a moment. She seemed certain about her decision. "Alright then. It’s the day after tomorrow at a nice hotel location. 'will give me the chance to wear one of the new dresses I've got."</p><p>"How often do you go shopping Debs?"</p><p>"Too often", she laughed, "But you'll love seeing me in this little red thing..."</p><p>"Oh I'm sure I will", Lou grinned, "But that gives me the chance to steal this black slip dress from you."</p><p>"...since when do you wear dresses?"</p><p>"Do you have a problem with me not wearing the pants once?", the grin on the blonde's lips made her smile and bend forward to kiss her.</p><p>"I hope I don't have to remind you about the way you wanted to be whipped last night. I'm not so sure if that's considered 'wearing the pants'."</p><p>"...shut up Debs and let me continue with these mandalas. And stop thinking about my ass, I see it in your eyes when you do that."</p><p>Debbie laughed and raised her hands. "Got me. Okay, okay. Then I will make us something to eat now."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Therapy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Hello Lou. How are you today?"</p><p>Like always the blonde felt the need to run as soon as she stepped into the white-green themed room where her therapist Mrs. Lena Brown sat. She didn't want to be here. It scared her and talking was the last thing she wanted to do, the only reason she did it was Debbie, because she knew it wasn't fair to stay the way she was and make her girlfriend suffer through it too.</p><p>"I'm...I'm alright."</p><p>The red-haired woman raised an eyebrow, reaching for the pen on her desk to fill out something on a white sheet of paper where Lou knew she would note most of the things she said or did in the next hour. "What does 'alright' mean for you?"</p><p>"It means that I can stand everything. I don't drink too much, I haven't touched drugs in four days, and I eat once or twice a day."</p><p>"That's good. Does the list we made for you, help you?" Two weeks ago they decided to use a app where Lou set herself some goals and made a kind of to-do list.</p><p>"Kind of. It motivates me in a way because I want to achieve everything I wrote down.", Lou started to play with the hem of her sleeve. Looking at the other woman just made her feel uncomfortable. "I uhm...I got invited to a party. Together with my girlfriend. And I would like to go there."</p><p>"When is this party?"</p><p>"Today. In the evening. I told Debbie I would go with her. But now I don't know if it's smart."</p><p>Mrs. Brown raised an eyebrow. "Have you started to leave the house?"</p><p>"...I did. Well, a few times. I am leaving it for doctors appointments, and I did yesterday afternoon to buy some flour for the cake Debs wanted to make. But going to a party...I don't know if that's too much. I don't even know how my girlfriend can do it without problems."</p><p>"Do you know that she doesn't have a problem with that? Did you ask her?"</p><p>"No, I didn't. But she goes out nearly every week with our friends. Sometimes even twice. She spends a lot of time outside our apartment. So I guess she doesn't have a problem with that? Why should she do it then?" Now Lou realized she never asked Debbie. She felt guilty all of sudden for insisting on staying home. She never asked if it was a problem for her girlfriend to do all the shopping and so.</p><p>"She seems to really love you."</p><p>"She does.", the blonde replied, smiling now. "And I love her too. That's why I'm here."</p><p>"Shouldn't you be here for yourself? Because you want to feel better?"</p><p>Lou bite her lips and finally looked at her. "I don't know how to feel better. I grew up like this. I've lived like this as long as I can remember. I do what I do to keep myself sane."</p><p>"...pardon if I ask, but do you really think drugs, alcohol and hurting yourself are good ways for that?"</p><p>She appreciated Mrs. Browns honesty. The woman said what she thought and she preferred that over everything else. It made her feel like she talked to someone she knew instead of a stranger. "No, I don't. But it's better than jumping out of the window."</p><p>In previous sessions they have talked about her past and what happened after the party, but never about if she ever tried to end it.</p><p>"And did you want to? Jump, I mean."</p><p>Lou sighed. "I did. Very often. Especially when I was young. But now...I couldn't do that. I love Debbie too much. She wouldn't be able to stand this, I just know that. I see that she keeps herself together just because she loves me."</p><p>"Did you ever try it?"</p><p>The blonde Australian watched as the other woman took notes. After a moment she nodded. "I did. Three times. Never worked. After the last time a friend introduced me to the psychiatry."</p><p>*</p><p>Debbie waited for her outside in front of a coffee shop. Feeling a little uncomfortable she sat down across her and put on a smile.</p><p>"How did it go?"</p><p>"It was alright. We talked a lot."</p><p>"That's good.", the brunette smiled and reached for her hand, "I'm proud of you Lou. You're doing great."</p><p>"...thanks." She wasn't so sure if she did. "So when do we have to be at this party later?" She regretted having said yes to it. But maybe it would help her; being around her friends. They must wonder why she never joined them anyways.</p><p>"At half past seven. Daphne said we would eat there."</p><p>"Mhm", she hummed as an answer. It was lunchtime so she still had enough time to prepare herself for it. "...could we go home?"</p><p>"Sure.", Debbie paid her drink and soon they sat together in the car and drove back to their apartment.</p><p>*</p><p>It took Lou a long time to decide on what she should wear. In the end she actually went for the black slip dress that was Debbie's, deciding it was actually a change on her. It looked good, but it wasn't really her.</p><p>"Are we sure I should wear this? I mean, this is kinda lovely, but I don't even know how to sit in this.", she asked as she watched herself in the mirror, "I mean, if we walk together now who will see we're gay?", she grinned, "With both of us looking girly?"</p><p>"...I wouldn't say you look girly, baby. But the dress fits you. But it would be better if it was shorter, maybe."</p><p>"Do we have a pair of scissors somewhere here?"</p><p>The brunette looked at her with open mouth. "You can't just cut this dress?!"</p><p>"You said yourself it would look good. I will buy you a new one." Two minutes later Lou stood there in the once floor-length dress that now went barely to the mid of her thighs.</p><p>Her girlfriend couldn't do anything else but to stare at her. "Could you please wear my dresses more often and just cut them shorter? Fuck. You look great."</p><p>"Do you think I can wear a tie with it?"</p><p>"Uh-" That was typical Lou. What she wore just couldn't be more feminine than necessary. "No, don't think so. But you could wear black leather boots or something."</p><p>Another twenty minutes later they were finally ready. The blonde already had her problems on how to walk she wasn't sure how she should spend a whole evening looking like this. How should she sit or walk without people seeing her ass?</p><p>As they sat in the car she started to get anxious. Until now she didn't think about it because she thought she looked good, but now...was it too revealing? Too sexy? What if someone judges her? If someone makes comments? She wanted to go back home and change. As soon as possible. It took her everything to not grab her girlfriends hands and beg her to drive back with her so she could change into a huge shirt and hide under the bedsheets.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Little steps</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lou and Debbie didn't stay too long at the party, but it was a nice evening, and both enjoyed it. Afterwards, Lou thought that it might have been a step too big, but she didn't regret going. Being there had made her feel as if everything were normal, as if nothing changed and everything was still the same.</p><p>Both she and her girlfriend stayed away from alcohol, mostly because the blonde hasn't touched any in a few days and they were glad if she didn't, so instead they went for juice and water. Daphne questioned it for a moment and tried to talk them into drinking, for what she just earned an elbow in her side by Debbie.</p><p>But basically it was a nice evening with friends.</p><p>*</p><p>The brunette watched proudly how her girlfriend took on her shoes and reached for her jeans jacket. They would go shopping now first the first time in many weeks together.</p><p>"Are you sure? I can go alone, and you wait here." There was no need to rush. If Lou still decided to stay inside and not go out she wouldn't say anything about it.</p><p>"No", but she shook her head, "If I'm able to go to a party dressed like a slut I'm also able to buy a few things for dinner."</p><p>Debbie wasn't so sure if this was how it works, but she nodded and reached for the car keys. She felt how nervous the blonde was the whole way, so she tried to hurry up a little, so they didn't have to stay too long there.</p><p>Half an hour later they were back home, sorting the things they bought.</p><p>"Do you want to go out for a walk?"</p><p>She lifted her head surprised at this. "Uhm...sure. But just if you really want to."</p><p>"Yeah. The weather is nice."</p><p>"Okay then.", she put the last things in the fridge before studying her partners face for a moment. She seemed to be sure about it, so she nodded, "Then let’s go?"</p><p>They walked for a few minutes just through crowded streets, talking about little nothings and sometimes just holding hands enjoying the sun and each other’s company. After a while they sat down on a bench in a park.</p><p>"I am proud of you.", Debbie said after a moment and leaned her head against Lou's shoulder. "You're doing so well."</p><p>"I'm trying to. I just can't stay forever at home.", the blonde reached for her hair and slowly started to stroke it, "I know I wasn't much help for you in the last weeks and I want you to know I'm sorry about that. I didn't think about how you felt and that was selfish. I'm sorry."</p><p>Of many things Lou could tell her this was something she didn't expect. "I never blamed you for anything Lou. Not even for this; it's okay. We both have our ways to process things and this was yours. You weren't selfish, you were hurt. And that's okay."</p><p>"I should have been there for you because this was my fault and because I love you. But I wasn't there, and you did everything."</p><p>Debbie cupped her face gently:" Nothing was your fault."</p><p>The blonde closed her eyes and shook her head slightly. In her eyes everything was her fault, no matter what Debbie told her. If she hadn't been so dumb this wouldn't have happened. "Can we please go back home?"</p><p>"Of course.", she stood up and held a hand out for her partner. It's been a long day already and Lou took enough 'little steps', how her therapist called these things like going shopping, or having dinner out. "What do you think about we fuck the thing with cooking today and rather buy something on our way?"</p><p>"Chinese sounds great."</p><p>"Perfect.", the brunette laughed a little and together they made their way back to their apartment.</p><p>*</p><p>"I uhm...we went out a few times. I tried to make myself go out more. You know; walks, shopping, dinners.", the blonde played again with the sleeve of her shirt. She didn't like looking at the other woman while talking.</p><p>"That's very good! And how did you feel while doing so?"</p><p>"I felt good. In a way. It is nice, but when I get back home I start to feel guilty if that makes sense. As if allowing myself to have a life again was something bad."</p><p>Mrs. Brown shifted in her chair. "But you know it's not?"</p><p>"Of course. I know it's not, this is how it should be. But I still feel this way."</p><p>"I see." There was silence for a moment that often happened when Lou started to think about the next thing she wanted to say or talk about.</p><p>"...I-I struggle a little."</p><p>"With what exactly?"</p><p>"I feel just like everything is my fault. Like everything happened just because the way I am."</p><p>"Bullshit." Mrs. Browns choice of words made her laugh a little. But soon the smile on her lips faded and she teared up again.</p><p>"My parents told me that. It was my fault because I am the way I am. The things they did just 'needed' to be done."</p><p>"What your parents did was criminal. You were a child. And even if you weren’t it wouldn’t have been right."</p><p>"I know that. But it would be different if I weren’t gay, right?"</p><p>The older woman shook her head:" No Louise. I think it would have still been this way. Of course I could lie to you now and pretend it wouldn't have been, but that isn't what you need to hear. You weren't the problem and you being a lesbian had nothing to do with it either. You grew up in a sect. Nothing would be different."</p><p>Now the blonde couldn't stop herself from crying. "I was so scared, and I didn't think I could survive it there."</p><p>"But you did.", the red-haired woman reached her a tissue paper, "I know you can't forget that, and I understand how you feel. But neither your childhood, nor what happened after the party was your fault. You blame yourself for that too, don't you?"</p><p>"I do", she admitted crying, "I can't stop thinking about it. And it would have been okay if it was me, but to know Debbie was there, and they hurt her, I-I hate that. I should protect her and not just watch as someone rapes her in the streets!"</p><p>"You've been assaulted too. There was nothing you could have done. It happened. Did you wish for it to happen to her? No. But did you try to do something?"</p><p>"I..I did!"</p><p>"You see? Then it wasn't your fault. You wanted to help her. But you too have been scared and shocked. So how could it be your fault?"</p><p>Lou didn't know what to say now. She just looked out of the window, thinking about how she could express her thoughts. "Do you think I'm crazy?"</p><p>"No. You are hurt and that's okay. But if you still think it's too much; I already offered you and I will do it again: there are things you could take. I don't like giving my patients these kind of drugs, but if you should think you need it I will make sure you get some."</p><p>"...would it make this feeling go away?"</p><p>"It would. But it won't make you forget Lou. The memories are still there."</p><p>"I want it. If it helps me get a normal life than damn yes."</p><p>*</p><p>"How was it?" Debbie watching on their bed, eating pizza, and watching tv when she came home. Lou smiled and sat down next to her before reaching for one slice.</p><p>"It was okay. I uhm..."</p><p>"You?", the brunette turned towards her and studied her face, "Have you been crying?"</p><p>"What? Oh...yeah. But I'm okay now. I just...I wanted to ask you if it would be alright if I started taking antidepressants."</p><p>Her girlfriend turned off the tv. "Of course it would be. You don't have to ask me about something like that."</p><p>"Well...it could have its side effects."</p><p>"Like what?", the slightly older one raised an eyebrow and brushed with the hand she didn't use for eating a strand of hair out of her girlfriends face. She would need to cut them again, they were getting too long.</p><p>"Like weight gain, headaches, nausea, sexual dysfunction. There are probably more."</p><p>"...and? I mean, okay, the nausea and headache thing sound bad. But the rest? That's fine. You really don't need my approvement here baby."</p><p>Lou sighed. "...okay. Well, then I think I should give it a try." She looked to the still turned off tv:" What were you watching?"</p><p>"Game of Thrones. It's good."</p><p>"I told you so."</p><p>"Next time I will listen to you", Debbie smiled and pulled her closer, "Let's watch together? But if you spoiler me I will kill you." She turned it on again.</p><p>Lou couldn't help but to grin and say:" Ned Stark will die in a moment." For what she earned a slap on the back of her head.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Planning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I will go now!", Lou shouted as she reached for the car keys, "When will you be back from Tammy?"</p><p>"At five.", Debbie replied from upstairs where she tried to straighten her hair, "I will bring us something for dinner!"</p><p>She heard the blonde reply before the door shut. A quick look at the watch told her that she would have to go soon too, but she wanted to wait a few minutes just in case Lou was still outside. She wasn't exactly planning to go to Tammy.</p><p>After ten minutes she too went downstairs and left the apartment. It wasn't a long way, so she walked, as she noticed Lou had taken the car anyways and waiting for a bus seemed unnecessary when the way with walking took maybe fifteen minutes.</p><p>Tammy already waited outside the building for her, a wide smile on her face. "Ready to buy a ring?"</p><p>She nodded. It felt like it was getting the right time and they waited long enough. She knew Lou still waited for a proposal and she wanted to give that to her. The perfect proposal, the perfect wedding, and a perfect honeymoon.</p><p>The two went into the shop and looked around for a moment. Debbie didn't really know what she was looking for, there were so many different rings it was hard to decide.</p><p>"I have no idea Tam. Most of them are beautiful."</p><p>"Okay then...gold or silver?"</p><p>"That's...a good question", the brunette frowned and thought about it for a moment, "I think she would prefer silver."</p><p>"So nothing girly", the blonde stated, "Maybe something with a small diamond?"</p><p>This caused Debbie to laugh. Her girlfriend might like to dress like a man, but the pink underwear she had on under it said something different. She could already imagine the Australian with a huge diamond ring on her hand, bragging about it constantly and looking at it with those big blue eyes.</p><p>"...I wouldn't say that. Do you know she wears pink underwear?"</p><p>Tammy raised an eyebrow:" Uh...no? But good to know. Okay then maybe-"</p><p>She got interrupted by one of the shop assistants:" Can I help you?"</p><p>"Yes, please", Debbie nodded, "I'm looking for a ring. I want to propose to my girlfriend and well...I don't really know what we're looking for."</p><p>They talked to the man for some time until he showed them a few copies.</p><p>"I like this one", Tammy said after some time, looking at a silver ring with small, engraved tendril patterns, "But it's a little small. You could use it as an engagement ring. And this one-" she pointed at a bigger silver one with small rose-coloured elements, "Could be fitting as the wedding ring. It's not too much, but also 'girly' enough to fit with her pink underwear." She grinned at this.</p><p>Debbie rolled her eyes:" Please never tell her I told you that."</p><p>"I can't promise anything. So what do you say about the rings?"</p><p>"I will take them. They're beautiful."</p><p>The blonde nodded:" She'll love them, I'm sure."</p><p>It took some minutes until the order was done, another problem was that Debbie wasn't sure about the size or if she wanted special changings with the rings, but in the end they managed to find a size that should fit and decided about the other things. In week the rings could be picked up.</p><p>"So what is next on our list?"</p><p>"Lunch. I'm starving.", Debbie took Tammy's hand in hers, "Let's eat first and then do the rest."</p><p>*</p><p>It was twenty past five when she came home and by the sounds she heard Lou must be already upstairs watching tv.</p><p>She took off her shoes and went in the kitchen where she got two plates and something to drink, before going upstairs to their living room.</p><p>"Hey Lou. I brought us pizza.", she smiled and put everything down on the bed, "How was your day?"</p><p>"Lonely.", the blonde grumbles, "I missed you."</p><p>"Aww, I'm sorry", she kissed her lips gently, "How did the blood tests go?" She had deliberately rescheduled Lou's doctor's appointment for noon so she was busy, which gave her the opportunity to look for the rings with Tammy.</p><p>"They are better than last time."</p><p>"Good.", she opened the pizza carton, "I hope ham is okay? I wasn't sure what you would like and you didn't answer my messages."</p><p>"I did not?", Lou frowned and looked at her phone, "Oh. I'm sorry. I would have replied if I have seen it."</p><p>"I know. Ready to watch Game of Thrones?"</p><p>"Of course. Are you? I could tell you that-"</p><p>Debbie quickly put a hand over the blonde's lips:" Don't you dare to spoiler me again!"</p><p>*</p><p>Debbie was thankful that Tammy managed to pick up the rings, because no matter how hard she tried it she couldn't find a moment when she wouldn't be with Lou. Something told her that the blonde already sensed something was going on.</p><p>"Lou?"</p><p>The blonde looked at her. She sat once again on the floor filling out mandalas.</p><p>"I would love it if you could go with me to this party at the beach."</p><p>"...who's party is it?"</p><p>"Ours."</p><p>Lou frowned:" Ours?"</p><p>"Okay, more mine. I thought it could be fun to be together with the girls, you know? Nice weather...swimming, eating, maybe some alcohol-free cocktails?"</p><p>The blonde thought about it for a moment, then shrugged. "Sure. But could you please talk to me next time you organize a party?"</p><p>"who said I already organized it?"</p><p>She earned an eyeroll with that question. "Because I know you. You plan everything. I don't think you would ask me to do that with you if you haven't had it already set up."</p><p>"Okay. You're right."</p><p>"When is 'our' party?"</p><p>"Saturday?", Debbie gave her a grin.</p><p>"...that's tomorrow."</p><p>"Oh really? Yeah well, happens. So is that a yes?"</p><p>"Of course. Now stop grinning and come here and give me a kiss.", Lou lifted her head a little, waiting until the brunette cupped her face and gave her a deep kiss.</p><p>"Satisfied?"</p><p>"Yes, now I am."</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Breakdown</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a normal day. Nothing should have happened. Debbie had planned everything so nicely. The setup, the friends she invited. The ring she carried in the pocket of her trousers. But they never came to that part, not how it went.</p>
<p>And suddenly there was an ambulance and crying and suddenly she sat on a chair in the floor of a hospital. White walls, everywhere just white walls. And the smell of disinfectants.</p>
<p>"I promise you she'll be fine.", Tammy said and held a cup of hot coffee towards her, but she just couldn't take it.</p>
<p>"Why did she do that?" The brunette didn't understand it. Everything was perfect. Lou had been happy. She had seen it. She had smiled and laughed and had eaten cake with them. And then suddenly she was gone. And then suddenly there was blood. So much blood running down her hands.</p>
<p>But it was hard to tell why a sad person did things.</p>
<p>The blonde sat down next to her. She didn't know what to say.</p>
<p>"I wanted to ask her to be my wife. Now I don't even know if she'll survive today."</p>
<p>There was silence for a moment. "I don't think she really wanted to die Debs. She wouldn't have gone out of the bathroom, she wouldn't have given us the chance to help her. It'll be fine."</p>
<p>Twenty minutes later a nurse came to them. "Is one of you related to Ms. Miller?"</p>
<p>"I'm Debbie Ocean...I am her girlfriend. She doesn't have other relatives." Not completely true, she suddenly thought.</p>
<p>"She'll survive it. But we have to keep her here for the next 72 hours. Then it depends on her what happens next."</p>
<p>Debbie couldn't do more than nod. Tears burned in her eyes.</p>
<p>"Is she taking any medication?"</p>
<p>"Uhm...yes. Antidepressants and Nitrendipine...she often has high blood pressure."</p>
<p>The nurse took a few notes, then turned around, about to walk away as she gave her with her hand the signal to follow her. "She probably sleeps now, but you can go to her. It might help her, she called for you a few times."</p>
<p>A moment later she found herself next to the bed where her blonde girlfriend laid. The nurse has left them alone.</p>
<p>It was overwhelming. Debbie couldn’t stand looking at her, to see her thin frame laying in this bed with those thick bandages around her wrists. "How could you to this?!", she cried within seconds, "How could you even try to leave me alone?! I thought you were better now! I thought you were okay! I love you! I love you so much and you just-"</p>
<p>She stopped herself when she noticed she was moving. And suddenly blue eyes looked at her own dark ones. Hoarse voice. "Debs?"</p>
<p>"Lou." She had to be soft. She couldn't scream at her, not now. "I am here. I am with you Sweetheart." The brunette sat down next to her on the bed and put a hand gently on her cheek. "I’m with you."</p>
<p>"I...I..."</p>
<p>"Please don't speak. It's okay. Are you...are you in pain Lou?"</p>
<p>"No...I'm not. I'm not." Her voice was so weak. It broke Debbie's heart. How could she do that?</p>
<p>"Okay baby.", she bend down to kiss her forehead. Now just wasn't the time for questions. She could ask in a few hours, a few days, just later, when Lou was strong enough to reply.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>"Are you sure you're okay? I can stay. I will just message my husband and-"</p>
<p>"No. It's okay." Debbie wasn't sure of that. Sleeping in their bed without her partner seemed so wrong. She wanted to be with her, but the nurses have told her she wasn't allowed to and needed to go home. She argued with them for ten minutes until Tammy made her go.</p>
<p>"If something is wrong just call me. It's fine."</p>
<p>"I know. Thank you.", she nodded. She loved Tammy but she couldn't stand to see her longer. That was wrong and she knew it because the blonde had been with her waiting, she had calmed her and cared for her and she wanted her to be alright. But all Deborah could think about was wanting to be alone.</p>
<p>So when the younger one was gone she finally crawled into her bed, the one she had alone before she started to sleep with Lou together, and closed her eyes, wishing everything could be like it was again.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>After the days Lou had to spend there passed, Debbie was allowed to take her home. She had to sign something so they knew someone would look after the blonde.</p>
<p>It took all her strength to ignore her anger and the betrayal she felt, to not shout at her hurt girlfriend and tell her what she really thought. Because soon the sadness had faded and all she could think about was how much she hated her for doing that.</p>
<p>They were supposed to be together. She wanted to ask her to marry her. And she went into the bathroom and cut her arms open.</p>
<p>But it still wasn't the time to talk about it. Debbie wasn’t even sure if it was a good idea to take her home. At least now she had thrown away everything the blonde could use to hurt herself.</p>
<p>"I know you're angry Debs."</p>
<p>They still sat in the car, outside of the apartment. Neither of them moved.</p>
<p>"Understatement."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry."</p>
<p>Lou's tone made her angry. She apologized as if she had accidently broken a plate or something. As if it was nothing. As if she hadn't died if they hadn't been as fast as they were. As if I couldn't have lost her.</p>
<p>"Fuck you.", the brunette huffed, "You're a selfish bitch."</p>
<p>The Australian opened her door and got out of the car. She watched her walking towards the door. It took her much to ignore the bandages around her wrists.</p>
<p>After some minutes she followed because she had to. she couldn't stay sitting there, being angry, because after all she knew her girlfriend needed her. There must have been a good reason why she did it and sooner or later they would talk about it.</p>
<p>She found the other woman laying on bed, her phone in her hands. Silently she sat down next to her and combed her fingers through her frizzy blonde hair. "I love you."</p>
<p>She didn't get an answer.</p>
<p>"I don't understand this Lou. I thought you were better. You told me therapy helped. I thought-", she took a deep breath. Tears burned in her brown eyes and she didn't know if she could hold them back. "-I wanted to propose to you. I wanted to ask you to be my wife. That's why I planned this damn party. I wanted to ask you to marry me."</p>
<p>There was this silence again and it just empowered the fire she felt. "Say something! Don't be so quiet!"</p>
<p>The brunette didn't want to hurt her girlfriend, but as she spoke she reached for her hands and grabbed them hardly. If it weren't for the gasp the blonde made she wouldn't have let go. "Lou-"</p>
<p>Blue eyes that stared at bandaged wrists for a moment, watching to assure the wounds wouldn't open again. Then she looked up. "I'm sorry."</p>
<p>"Why did you do it Lou?"</p>
<p>"I-I...I..."</p>
<p>"You.", Debbie gently put a hand on her shoulder, "Don't you trust me? I'm here, I won't go. I...I was so scared you would die. I couldn't stand the thought of you wanting to leave me."</p>
<p>"That's funny."</p>
<p>"Why Lou? Why is it funny?"</p>
<p>"I thought you wanted to leave me Debs.", the Australian closed her eyes, "I...I know now that I misinterpreted something. But I thought- I heard Constance and Daphne laugh and talk about us...about changings about going and then I saw you and Tammy standing somewhere- and you held her hand and you danced, and you kneeled before her- I couldn't stand it." Louise took a deep breath and then opened her eyes again and looked at her brunette partner who started laughing.</p>
<p>"Oh baby. you are such an idiot.", she shook her head and slowly calmed down again. After all this wasn’t actually funny, "I used Tammy to practice the proposal. I thought Amita would keep you busy- so I took my chance. But Lou...did you really believe I would want Tam?"</p>
<p>"You spend a lot of time with her lately. Without me. You had secrets."</p>
<p>The brunette sighed and put her arms around her partner. "I'm so fucking sorry."</p>
<p>"Don't. I didn't take my medicine. I was emotional and stupid."</p>
<p>"You were. But you stepped out of that bathroom before it was too late.", she murmured and kissed her forehead, "I love you. I will never leave you."</p>
<p>"I couldn't stand thinking you didn't want me anymore- I thought after what happened...you...you finally gave me the blame for it I-"</p>
<p>She shook her head and kissed her again, murmuring soothing words. "Sshh Lou...no. No, don't. Nothing is your fault. I will keep you safe from now on. I promise it."</p>
<p>For a moment she couldn't do much but to hold her and kiss her, letting her cry silently in her shoulder. It was just so much to take for now.</p>
<p>"Please never do that again Lou. Never. This has to end."</p>
<p>"I promise it.", the blonde didn't know if she could keep her promise. "Debs?"</p>
<p>"Yes baby?"</p>
<p>"Is it a nice ring?"</p>
<p>The older one laughed at this. "It is. Do you want me to show you?"</p>
<p>A nod followed her words. So she got up and went in the bathroom to the closet where she kept the little box filled with the engagement ring. After a short look in the mirror she went back in the bedroom and kneeled down before the bed, the blonde watching every step she did.</p>
<p>"Louise Miller...would you do me the honour and become my wife?"</p>
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